Reflections on a year of grieving deeply & rejoicing greatly

So below are my musings in chronological order.

Reflecting on a year of grief (post #1)

It seems like forever, yet it seems like yesterday.

(posted March 27, 2023)

I was looking at the calendar early in March, planning for a few ministry events coming up in April.  And as I sat there I realized that the weekend after the 1st anniversary of Lanae’s death, Leanne and I would be serving at a missions Sunday in one of our supporting churches.  And then it really hit me – it has been a year.  It just doesn’t seem like that.  It seems that yesterday evening the police were standing at our door, looking for Logan and when they realized he wasn’t home and who we were, they told us that our daughter had been killed in a back country ski accident that morning. It seems like yesterday that I had to tell her husband and her siblings that she was gone. It seems like yesterday when we stood beside her grave and laid her body to rest. It seems like yesterday that I walked her down the aisle in the park to be married. It seems like yesterday that I drove her to her riding lessons in Sumy, Ukraine where my kids spent most of their growing up years. It seems like yesterday that….

There is this empty spot which will never be filled – the hug that we won’t experience – until we get to our eternal home and meet her again. 

I see something and think – Lanae would enjoy this – and then I sigh because I can’t share it with her.  And then it hits me again – she’s gone.  She won’t be coming through the door.  She won’t be posting a video or picture from some mountaintop sharing her joy of God’s creation.

So we continue to grieve, and yet rejoice.

1 Thessalonians 4:1 And now, dear brothers and sisters, we want you to know what will happen to the believers who have died so you will not grieve like people who have no hope.

Reflecting on a year of grief (post #2)

Perspective – part 1 (posted April 3) week before easter

A decision I made the morning after Lanae died has had significant impact on how this year has went.  Let me explain.

The morning after Lanae died, I was sitting on the edge of our bed having a discussion with God. I had this incredibly heavy weight on my chest – I just didn’t understand why.  And I was asking God why.  Lanae was so vibrant for her faith, so intentional in relationships, so fervent in life, and the future for her and Logan had such promise.  As I sat there God impressed on my heart three things: 

First He doesn’t measure success in years.  John the Baptist had 1-2 years, Jesus had 3 years, and yes, Moses did have 40.  So His measurement of success is different than mine. 

Second, we won.  Satan had tried to take Lanae down many times over the years – she struggled with different issues over the years and it was a battle.  God won, and Lanae made it home strong.

Third, what is the prayer of every parent?  That their children finish well in life and in faith.  And I heard the question “did Lanae finish well?”  And I had to answer “yes, she did.”  and the reply came “so what is the problem?” (I am from the generation that speaks directly and plainly and appreciates hearing the truth clearly).  And I had to reply to God, “Your right, there isn’t a problem.  I just want her back.”

And then I heard my dad’s voice.  Years ago, when I was a teen I remember a conversation I had with him.  My parents were going through a hard time with a situation with someone locally and my dad would have been completely in his “rights” to really make things ugly.  And I asked him “why aren’t you going to ……?”, and he said “John, if you believe it, you have to live it.” 

If I believe it, I need to live it.  As I sat there, I made that decision.  If I believe it, then I am going to have to live it.  And thus everything I said and did from that point on was put through that grid – all the pain, the hurt, the decisions that needed to be made etc.  

The moment the police said to us, “your Lanae Schroeder’s parents?” we began to feel a pain that was so acute that it was a like a knife in the side. And that wound will never really heal.

So what do we do – do we pretend we don’t feel it, just ignore it or wallow in it to the point of being immobilized?

No. We face it, acknowledge it, allow ourselves to grieve but we constantly and consistently turn back and remind ourselves to put the feelings etc through the grid of the truth. The truth being that right now, we have a tremendous loss that will never go away. The truth being that our daughter is alive and well – and waiting for us at our eternal home. There is a gulf that separates us now, but it won’t separate us forever.

She took the early train. We are just a few stops behind.

Reflecting on a year of grief (post #3)

Perspective – part 2 (posted april 10 easter monday)

Last post I mentioned the phrase “if I believe it, I need to live it.”  I have been teaching and preaching on living our lives for eternity for years and years.  I have been teaching and preaching living in the strength of the Holy Spirit for years and years.  I have been teaching and preaching that God will give us all we need in every circumstance for years and years.  I have been teaching and preaching (add more of God’s truth here) for years and years. 

So as I began this journey I realized that this was the time where what I believed, I needed to lean on with all my strength. 

This past weekend we celebrated the resurrection of our Lord and Saviour, Christ Jesus.  Last year Lanae died on Wednesday, April 13, 2022.  That Friday was Good Friday, that Sunday was Resurrection Sunday.  Our family went to church that Sunday morning.  Someone asked, “how can  you be here?”  How couldn’t we be there?  This is our hope – the resurrection!  This is what we believe, and because of this, we know that we will see Lanae again.  What a comfort that is. 

I believe God’s Word – the Bible.  I stand on its truth.   Am I confused at times? Of course. Do I doubt at times? Of course.  But I always come back to this.  God is trustworthy, even when I don’t understand or it isn’t what I thought it should be or what I wanted.  God has proven Himself trustworthy in history, in Scripture, in the lives of countless others and in my own life.

Our pain is real – and the reason why we don’t avoid it is because we have learned that we need to walk in it.  The reason why we can is because we have a foundation that has been tested.

Here is a question – do I want my family to trust me? Of course. Do you want those who are close to you trust you? Of course.  Would my family say that I always did what they wanted, what they desired, and made things turn out the way they thought it should?  Of course not.  If you asked those closest to you, “have I always done what you wanted, made things turn out the way you thought they should?” would they respond with a yes?  Of course not.  But I (and you) would argue that we are still trustworthy, that we made decisions based on what was best etc etc. 

So  if God doesn’t do things the way that I want, the way that I think they should be, in the manner that I think is best, does that mean that He isn’t trustworthy?  Of course not.  Why would I give someone (like myself or someone close to me) the benefit of doubt when they don’t do something the way I thought they should, but not give God the same benefit of the doubt?  Why would I – someone who makes mistakes, isn’t perfect and gets things wrong many times – think that I would know better than God?

So this is the foundation – and it has been tested over years of walking with Christ, spending time in His Word, listening, obeying, walking with other believers and learning and growing.  This is why in the midst of the darkness and the “I don’t understand”, we have been able to turn and say “I don’t understand at this moment and I feel all of this pain, and I don’t know what to do….but I am going to trust You God, I am going to trust You Jesus to walk me through this.”

Philippians 4:6-7  Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Reflecting on a year of grief (post #4)

A few days after Lanae’s death, God gave me the phrase “we are grieving deeply, rejoicing greatly”.

What happened was horrible – and we have never felt that deep of pain. Leanne put it well, she said “it was just hard to breath for a long time.” So we did not negate our grief and its depths. We grieve deeply for our loss, the physical, real, moment by moment loss of our daughter. And it would be easy to allow ourselves to be swallowed up by that and stay there.

God knew this, and in the following days through circumstances and verses He brought to mind helped us to see that yes, we can still rejoice in the midst of the pain.

Two verses that came to mind:

John 14:1-4 Jesus is telling the disciples of His imminent departure and the disciples were understandably disturbed. Jesus says “Let not your hearts be troubled, believe in God, believe also in Me. In My Father’s house are many dwelling places; if it were not so, I would have told you; for I go to prepare a place for you. If I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself, that where I am, there you may be also.”

Let not your hearts be troubled….I held onto that verse. Jesus was telling the disciples, yes, it is going to be challenging, but it’s going to be ok.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 was the second passage, specifically v 18: “in everything give thanks, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” That was a bit heavy, but as we thought about it, in the midst of this worst case scenario, there were things we could be thankful for. It says, “in everything give thanks”, not “for everything, give thanks”. So we made a conscious decision to think of things each day we were thankful for, small and large. A few of those things were:

We were able to have a funeral

Lanae fell over 1000 feet in an avalanche. Her body could easily have been buried and we many never have ever found her. She was laying on top of the snow, and easily retrieved. Her body was broken – yes – but we were able to see her because the injuries were primarily internal and thus we were able to see her to say goodbye.

Covid restrictions had been lifted only a few weeks before in our province, and thus were able to have a full funeral – over 500 people attended physically and more than 500 attended online to celebrate her life and homegoing.

We could assume different truths about her death.

Lanae was wearing a hi tech watch which tracked everything – gps, heart rate etc. It and her phone survived the fall intact, and we were able to retrieve vital information. Logan was able to download the information the night after her death and thus we were able to determine that she had died peacefully and quickly. She didn’t lie at the bottom of the mountain in pain waiting for rescuers to arrive. We didn’t have to speculate how long did she suffer, for it took rescuers almost two hours to get to her due to the remote location and she was pronounced dead at scene. Her injuries were many, and if she had survived she would most likely still be in ICU or minimum confined to a wheelchair for the rest of her life.

We know where she is, and that she is ok

It was so hard me – I couldn’t help my child. I can’t fix this. I can’t give a hug, a word of wisdom, direction etc. I can’t undo this. This is where faith had to come in, where I had to stand on what I believe. I believe in Heaven. I believe that Jesus saves. I believe that Lanae had believed in Jesus for her salvation, for her eternity. I believe that Lanae is with Jesus now. And I believe that someday I will see her again – and I will actually be able to keep up with her (which has been a challenge from when she was a teen and almost impossible once she got older!)

We went from “bad days” to “bad days with good moments” to “ok days with good moments” to “good days with bad moments”. So there has been a progression. We still grieve, we still hurt, we still mourn, but it isn’t as heavy and overwhelming all the time as it was before.

Ultimately, we rejoice greatly because there are things we can be thankful for now, and so much that is yet to come.